Sometimes I just want to run away.
Now, let me explain. I have a great life. I have a wonderful husband. He has a good, busy, albeit dangerous, job. But he is able to keep a roof over our head, and food on the table. I also have a beautiful daughter who keeps me more busy than bored. She will keep you running for hours, and I couldn't ask for anything better.
But sometimes, I just feel the need to get away. My husband is gone for work for 15 days at a time, home for 6, then right back out there. This leaves me home with our 4 year old for that whole time by myself. And sometimes I just want some time for me. I get out to the movies or a few drinks, every now and then, but only when my husband is home. Why? Because I feel guilty getting a babysitter to go out and have fun, leaving my daughter home with neither of her parents. And NO this is definitely not a shot at parents who do that, because honestly?? I sometimes wish I would just suck it up and do it for me. So I could get time for me.
This whole month has been overwhelming for me. One thing after another, people judging more and more. A sick child who has a cough that is terrible and there is nothing I can do to make her better. A cold that I am fighting with that is taking all my energy away. A gym membership that I am taking advantage of regularly but is giving me no results at all. Feelings of disgust, feelings of anger towards myself and sometimes others. A lack of patience, which is something that I cannot afford to have. I'm finding myself closer and closer to just losing it on somebody, and I hate it. It isn't me. I'm not an angry person. I'm usually happy. I'm usually so laid back. Easy to get along with. Nice - I've been told. Yet, I'm going through this time, where I just don't feel like me.
Running away won't help, and like I said, I am happy with my life. I love my life. There are times where I just need more me time, and that is so unbelievable rare. But I hope that by talking about this and making a big effort, IF possible, then I can be ME again.
And I'm done. It just needed to be said. There will be no running.
